Things that are different every time

Holy welcome to 2011

2011-12-06T10:12:00.000-08:00

Well, I think it's safe to say that life has dramatically changed in the course of almost two years spent in a monogamous relationship. Who can flipping believe it? I can't. I still have to poke myself and question what the fuck I'm doing then realize that life is happening right in front of me. We are in constant motion. I often feel like I'm on a see-saw and I'm trying to keep my balance with the other whilst making compromises whilst trying not to compromise myself. AGH it's insane. There's this wall that's there between families that are EXREMELY different. I'm okay with that. I like who I am and I love who I am with the other and I love that he loves me. That's all that really matters.

Homeward Bound

2009-09-08T09:09:00.000-07:00

I decided to take a ride home last night to visit with a friend. It seems, as life moves forward and we continue on our separate paths, that he and I are still connected and understand each other. How and when and where it happens that two seemingly strangers come to a point where they meet and find comfort in one another is well, beyond me. There are friends in this lifetime that move away from us, that we forget about and, there are friends that no matter where you leave off, you somehow are able to pick right back up days, months and years later at the same spot. There's something extremely comforting in the fact that there are people out there that I care about and do care about me at some level. When I think about what it means to be a friend, I don't think about the amount of time we've spent together or the amount of words shared between us. No, I think about the bond that we've made, the interactions and the ability to trust in you as a friend. I have friends that I've known for years that barely know me. I have friends that I've just met that understand me on a deeper level than anyone I've ever known. So, conclusively, when I think of a friend, I feel as if there is a whole lot of grey matter involved. There's no telling even if I feel one way about you that you'll feel the same way about me.

All my love to my friends, my family, and those people that inspire me to be a stronger better person. I've decided that I'm going to work hard on my artwork today and make something new. New posting to come in the near future.

2009-08-20T07:27:00.000-07:00

“Love is the only freedom in the world because it so elevates the spirit that the laws of humanity and the phenomena of nature do not alter its course”

Flagstaff, Arizona

2009-07-12T16:48:00.000-07:00

500+ Miles to go. I am so looking forward to getting to San Diego. I'm glad I've been with John this whole time. I'm also glad I did not turn around and come back. My head has been killing me. My body feels gross from sitting for so long. I'm tired. BUT I have absolutely loved seeing Route 66 for a bajillion miles and road signs that ask, "U Got Jesus?" and seeing the lovely sights of New Mexico's plains. More than anything I feel truly blessed to have John here with me during this test of will since, during the first night of the trip I received a phone call from my parents to let me know my grandmother "grammi" died. Let's just say things weren't pretty for the proceeding hours. John was right there for me. A true friend indeed.

We are currently in Flagstaff, Arizona. We stayed in Albuquerque, New Mexico last night. Tulsa, Oklahoma the night before and, our first night was in Dublin, Ohio. We've eaten Denny's fine cuisine. Trust me when I say that in the mid and south west, they are considered culinary artists to the masses when your only other options are fast food and junk food. Truck stops have turned into our best friends and State Welcome signs have been a sight of sheer beauty. I've discovered that books on tape are not for me and have literally turned into a nap time pleasure while John is driving and listening to them. We have yet to see the world's largest ball of yarn nor anything particularly splendid. That's okay though, we are holding out for San Diego. A large glass of wine will be in order for John and I upon arrival no matter what time of day it is.

So far, we've driven 2,600 miles. It's been a pleasure to experience this journey John. I'm glad, despite the current familial state, that I agreed to come along. More to come when I feel more up to posting about life as I know it.

Post script; I disdain sunflower seeds and attempting to spit out the shell with my mouth still being full of ones ready to be chewed. GROSS.

Riding the long road to freedom

2009-07-08T08:56:00.000-07:00

San Diego here I come.

I'm on my way to San Diego tomorrow morning. We'll see what's in store for this incredible adventure with one of the truest friends I know. Of course the trip will be long and daunting. You try and put to incredibly strong personalities in a Honda Fit for 44+ hours and get back to me.

I can't wait. This is something, I'm not sure of how exact, but something that I needed. I can't run away from life. I know that I can't keep running. What I do know is that every now and then we all need a refresher course on what are the most important things to us and a reminder of what we value. I don't expect this trip to accomplish everything or put me in a better place. I don't expect much from this trip except to get away for a week and forget about everything.

I'll be writing along the way and posting at our stops. I don't think anyone actually reads this but I would like to keep a log of everything I see feel hear lalalala. You know all that jazz. Until the end. Your's truly, Maura Elizabeth Yurick.

Focus

2009-06-23T08:34:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've written. A lot has gone on. Life has been a huge test lately of will and tolerance and hope. Since I've been back from Oregon I've moved out of my old apartment into an old leaning 10 bedroom house on Court Street in Dover. I've worked many hours at the group home. I've met new friends and caught up with old ones. The hardest part of life as of late has been staying strong in spite of family being ill. Only the strong will survive.

One of the worst things in the world to deal with is not being able to help a person recover from their pain. You can be force in their life that brings them home, that offers them something to live for yet, you can't make them have a will to live. No, you can only let them know how much you love them, how much you care and hope that they will survive. Love, I believe, transcends most battles and carries on with us in the heart of whatever storm we are fighting. How cliche yet true.

My grandmother had her third stroke after she suffered a heart attack at home. It's hard to see her the way she is now. She's blind. She can barely talk. She isn't eating. My mother and uncle have some hard decisions to make in the next two weeks. My only hope is that she's comfortable and is not in severe pain.

On a positive note, I'm heading out to San Diego with one of my best friends for a week. We are driving. We are going to blog along the way. So I'll keep you posted.

Other than what's gone on thus far, I'm working hard to stay focused on my goals. I'm trying not to feel stuck. I'm trying to have tons of adventures yet live simply. I'm trying real hard to let people know how I feel and hope they equally express their feelings to me. More than anything I'm trying real hard to just be myself and stop trying :).

Here's a little Guster for ya'll;

Will I get better or stay the same?

I find I always move too slowly

Can't lift a finger

Can't change my mind

I never knew till someone told me that

If that's all you will be

You'll be a waste of time

You've dreamed a thousand dreams

none seem to stick in your mind

Reckless Abandon

2009-05-17T21:45:00.001-07:00

There's a strange feeling brewing inside. I'm free. Free to feel. Free to move. I haven't lost direction. I'm finding my direction. I'm working on my map. This feeling is sinking to the core of my being. I'm terrified. Horrified. Fumbling. Making mistakes. Learning things about myself. Happy and sad all at once. For once, just once, I feel so free to move that I'm at a loss as to where I should go be say do love.

I think my first step is going to be cleaning my room. Organize. Assess. Deliberate.

Wish me luck.

Definitely Maybe

2009-05-07T10:12:00.000-07:00

Oregon here I am. Visiting the left coast is humbling. It has officially been a year since I've been here yet it feels like just days ago I left. Some friends are close, some friends are distant. It's amazing that I can pick up right where I left off with some people but can't seem to connect with others. True friendship speaks volumes of how I even have treated those people while I was here and while I was gone. What I'm trying to understand is how it is that I or anyone for that matter leaves a lasting impression on some while on others it's just a fleeting moment in time lost in the abyss of memories shared with many. I'm loving visiting back here. This trip was really important. It was a deciding moment in time for me. Do I come back to Oregon to live agaon? Do I stay in Dover and work at my job that I absolutely love? Do I move to San Diego and live the dream? Well, based on the trip I've at least answered the first question...Which is no. I love being here. I love seeing the best of the best. I know that this place served it's purpose for me last spring. I learned a lot about myself out in this great state that I will never regret. I want to keep that memory imprinted in my brain and revisit this place every now and again to remind myself of where I once was.

As for other parts of my life. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I have absolutely no idea what I want out of a relationship right now. I do know that I love and I have big love for many out there. I do know what I don't want. I can't be around controlling people. I can't be around people that are emotionial pitts of despair. I can't be around people that want me to only help them help themselves to success. I want to be around the people that have something to offer me as I have something to offer them. Equal trade. I can't be around people that do not practice what they preach. Contradiction is the biggest example of being a poser. Stand up for what you believe and live by what you believe. I can't be around people that lack any will or drive. Leave me alone. I guess I sort of know what I want. I also know that right now, at this very moment in this very span on time that I'm ready and I'm not. Yes, I just contradicted myself because I know that I want to love but I know that I don't know how I want to love. That's not posing.

Other than that, like I said in paragraph one, I LOVE my job. I find joy in helping people. I find joy in going to work and trying to understand people. I hope this feeling lasts and I don't get burnt out. This vacation is helping a lot. Taking a breath, walking a away and coming back to something sometimes reminds us how much we love them.

I am pretty sure things will all start to make sense soon enough. Until then I'm going to get really comfortable with the fact that life is absolutely confusing and the plans that we have in our heads often do not translate in to the lives we are living. No expectations leads to less hurt feelings.

Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me, And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth can I be, Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet, And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

2009-03-08T13:24:00.000-07:00

Life is so good right now. I've moved out of my parents. I love my new apartment. I work a lot. More than I have worked in a long time. I seriously love my job. Sometimes I feel selfish because every time I go to work, I gain some new understanding and insight from the people I work with. I hope I'm helping them the way they are helping me. I'm working on expressing myself a little bit better. I need to tell people when they are bothering me that they are. I need to let people know how I feel about them. I need to internalize my emotions less. I need to just be.

My apartment is beautiful. It's an old house in Dover. This is my first real apartment where I have to pay rent monthly and worry about bills and get along with room mates outside of my college experience of on campus living. I absolutely love it. I enjoy the fact that I'm living with boys that are no anal retentive. It's nice to know that I don't need to do my dishes immediately. It's nice to know that I can just hang out playing video games and no ones going to question why I'm not being more productive. It's nice to just be on my own.

Life has been interesting lately. *A told me he loves me. He wants to fly me to Hawaii. I'm confused. I've been seeing someone else. Well, we are working on being friends but it all started after we got drunk one fateful night and things happened. I never thought in a million years that I would be in the position where I like two people at the same time and am not sure where to go/what to do. There's so much uncertainty in this world. I think ultimately I need to figure out what is going to make me the happiest and what feels the most right. As for now I'm a bit unsure.

I've been reading a lot lately. I just finished American Gods last week. That book is so fucking good. I wish I believed in God. I wish that there were beings living on this earth that functioned based on our belief systems. That notion alone elicits to us as individuals so much power. Isn't that essentially what we want as human beings? To be powerful.

I got drunk friday with Matt. We talked about life. I read him a story that I've never read anyone. Someday I will publish it. Someday when I'm ready that is. I mourned the loss of my turtle Tara. She died on friday. She's been there with me for almost 18 years of my life. She was one of my loves. I'm hoping that my parents and I can have a funeral for it. Silly as it sounds, she deserves it. She has been there, she has existed, she has loved unconditionally and been loved. Death, as it is, has been becoming less real to me. This notion that one second someone can be right there, right in front of you, then the next gone doesn't seem right to me. I mean, I think of death in the same way I think of relationships. Strange. One minute we have something that we feel so close to, so connected to, and the next, for some reason or other we walk away from that person, that person walks away from us. Whatever. We end up not being able to touch that person, feel that persons heat, feel connected. In the same way that we experience death, we also experience the end of a relationship. That person no longer lives in our life.

I had a dream once wherever I walked everything behind me went black. Everything in my line of vision would light up. Everything that was frozen in time would resume life as my lights turned on. I don't believe we need time. I believe time is created so we can understand and explain why someone else can be living on the same plain that we do. That someone, so far away can be living and breathing and have their heart beating to the same beat as ours. Yet, funny, they do not exist to us.

What does existence mean to you?

Distant Flickering, Greener Scenery

2009-02-10T09:36:00.000-08:00

Fool Me Good

I am under the covers

waiting for the heat to come up

with a gurgle and hiss

and the banging of the water hammer

that will frighten the could out of the room.

And I am listening to a blues singer

name Precious Bryant

singing a song called "Fool Me Good."

If you don't love me baby, she sings,

would you please try to fool me good?

I am also stroking the dog's head

and writing down these words,

which means that I am calmly flying

in the face of the Buddhist advice

to do only one thing at a time.

Just pour tea,

just look into the eye of the flower,

just sing the song-

one thing at a time

and you will achieve serenity,

which is what I would love to do

as the fan-blades of the morning begin to turn.

If you don't love me, baby,

she sings

as a day-moon fades in the window

and the hands circle the clock,

would you please try to fool me good?

Yes, Precious, I reply.

I will fool you as good as I can,

but first I have to learn to listen to you

with my whole heart,

and not until you have finished

will I put on my slippers,

squeeze out some toothpaste,

and make a big foamy face in the mirror,

freshly dedicated to one thing at a time-

one note at a time for you, darling,

one tooth at a time for me.

Billy Collins.

I'm not going to fool you. I'm going to do my best to be myself and be happy in this moment, a moment that holds just this place in a thin moment in time. I have nothing to take back. I have nothing to regret, only lessons learned.

This is one of those big ones that takes up a space bigger than those that used to. I'm not 19 anymore and confused and lost. I'm on my way to 24, on my way to finding myself, although, to be fair, I still haven't found myself yet.

Thinking in terms of those quiet moments I have shared with the best of the best, I realize that they were all beautiful in their own right. I've also realized my selfish needs, my selfish ego tends to take over, and tends to outweigh all other moments in time.

I'm not going to say I fucked up. That would be giving in to the regret that most people hold. I've found out that I wasn't as ready as I was trying to convince myself I was. I would never want to turn back the clocks of time and rewrite all those little moments in time leading up to now. I've appreciated the time I've been given to learn about myself, about you, and about all those that surround this world we live in.

It's over for me. that place that you and I shared will be another memory that I won't forget but I'm ready to move away from.

I don't think it's the commitment that I'm afraid of, it's the settling. I've never been one to settle. I'm never going to be one to settle.

Happiness is a journey not a destination.

And so it is

2009-01-28T20:35:00.000-08:00

I find myself here writing, really writing, for the first time in a while. I've been consumed by everything around me. Honestly though, I can't complain. I love my new job. I love learning from the people I work with; clients and coworkers. I love getting to know my parents as an adult. It seems like I've been living in this huge bubble the only reverberated information about myself for the past couple of years and for the first time I've really been listening to what my parents have to say. It's nice to hear them and not feel like they are completely against any idea I have. They support me.

I've been trying to read a lot more. I've been working through Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen. It's fantastic. Mostly I read it with a client at Homecroft (the house I'm working for). Sometimes I think he's interested, sometimes I think I'm interested in reading out loud. I just finished Dry. by Augusten Burroughs. The fact that the book is based around Burroughs addiction during the early years of his 20's is phenomenal. Honesty is everything. Sometimes I feel like people aren't being honest. It seems like people are afraid to say what they really mean and tend to tip toe around topics rather than blatantly speaking the truth. I'm working on being honest without coming across as crude. The phrase "Use your words" never made more sense than now, now that I'm working in a group home with people that come from all sorts of backgrounds and levels of education. I am coming to understand that it's not about being careful or compromising values, its more about using words in a way that does not complicate the situation. I guess it all tends to get a little complicated in any work environment.

I think I will figure it all out or at least I will be okay with not knowing all the answers. For now, I'll just be who I am, work on my words and tend to my garden of novels and nic nacs.

"My heart is a calm potato by day and a weeping abandoned woman by night. Friend, tell me what to do since I'm a [woman] in love with the setting stars." -Robert Bly